


Mr. Dick Potato

by Luukiead



Series: this series is an indication of how much I've given up on life [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: AND THE P IS A POTATO, I am going to a fresh new level of hell, I spent three days in a weird state because I swam into a funky jellyfish, I'm really sorry Sasha I love you, Other, and it made me ill, and now you get this, basically I spent the entire time laughing bc potato puss, i am very funny, i have given you nothing in months, if this has been done before I'm sorry, sasha is v. desperate for the d and decides to turn it upside down and look for the p instead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-12 08:17:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4472030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luukiead/pseuds/Luukiead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sasha need something to ease her aching vagene and comes across a potato</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mr. Dick Potato

**Author's Note:**

> this is, without a doubt, the worst thing i have ever written
> 
> im not even sorry

**_To: conbon_ **

_tell me u didn throw me dildo_

**_From: conbon_ **

_shit I wasn’t menat to? it wasn’t working_

**_To: conbon_ **

_MAKE A  FUCKN TRIP TO ANN SUMMERS ON UR WAY BACK HOME IS2G CONRAD I WILL BEAT U WITH IT OOOHMHHGOD_

**_To: conbon_ **

_AND REMEMBER THE SPARE BATTERIES SINCE, YOU KNOW, THAT’S WHAT YOU BUY WHEN THE DILDO DIES U BLOODY ASSHAT_

Normally, Sasha wouldn’t call herself an angry person. She wasn’t, by nature, ever really that angry at all, but there were two things that really got her gears grinding: having an empty stomach, and not having a way to fuck herself raw. Putting it simply, Sasha was a nymphomaniac, a sex addict. Breakfast consisted of jam on toast and a quick morning fuck; lunch was a BLT sandwich and a good jilling in her flat; and dinner was meat and three veg and a good go on Prince Charming, her dildo.

Except he was in the bin and Sasha was ready to bounce off of the walls.

She texted Connie again.

**_To: conbon_ **

_we have a cucumber, right?_

**_From: conbon_ **

_pls dont check. cant u drive into town n get a new one?_

**_To: conbon_ **

_not unless ur paying for a new car im shaking rn_

**_From: conbon_ **

_Cant u just rub one out?_

**_To: conbon_ **

_…_

_gee thanks for understanding me and my pulsing fucking vagina_

_nou dope otherwise I woud ave done it on my own do we have anything faguely dick shaped?????_

It was pointless. Sasha got up from the bed and tried to ignore how her knees shook as she walked to the kitchen and violently pulled the door open. She went straight for the cooler box where they kept the salad ingredients and let out a sigh of relief when she spotted a whole cucumber under the pile of salad they’d bought only a couple of days beforehand.

She picked it up… and immediately dropped it again.

The whole thing was slimy and soft, even inside the protective plastic. She shivered, picking the rotten cucumber up and dropping it in the rubbish bin before beginning her search through the kitchen.

Nothing useful in there.

The bathroom was much the same. All of their shampoo bottles were weird shapes, and she wasn’t desperate enough to get out the plunger or even bite the bullet and use her toothbrush. 

And then it hit her.

She rushed into the utility room and rummaged through the cupboards. Both she and Connie had grown up in second generation Irish families and, among the many idiosyncrasies they’d picked up in childhood, they’d always learnt to have a surplus of potatoes. But, more than that, Connie had spotted an unusually shaped potato just a few days earlier and had left it somewhere outside of their brown sack of ‘tatoes so that it kept better.

Mr. Dick Potato, he’d dubbed it.

Sasha found it behind a stack of baking trays. It was decently sized; the whole thing was about five inches long but rather thick and covered in uneven lumps with one larger lump at the base, like a single testicle. It was a fucking ugly potato, but God damn it did it look remarkably like a dick.

Shooting back up to the bedroom, Sasha sent Connie another text.

**_To: conbon_ **

_MR. DICK POTATO_

**_From: conbon_ **

_NO DON’T SULLY MY FUCKING POTATO I WAS GONNA EAT THAT_

But it was too late. Sasha had ripped off her sweatpants and knickers and was sitting up on her knees, searching through her drawers for a condom and lube. She rolled the condom onto the potato in preparation, stroking her clit with one finger as she squeezed a line of lube down one side of the rubbered-up potato. Her entrance was already amazingly wet, and she teased herself open with two fingers, pumping shallowly as she picked up the potato in her spare hand and hurriedly tried to coat the whole thing in the clear gel. By the time Mr. Dick Potato was wet and hard and warm under Sasha’s touch, she’d managed to get four fingers inside of herself, and was curling them up and hard into herself as she mewled and panted.

She did that for some time, stretching herself out by spreading her fingers wide inside herself and then rubbing and pushing against the sweet spot just inside of herself. She put Mr. Dick Potato down and used her index and middle finger to rub on either side of her clit, sometimes gripping it between the two and giving it a tug that made it pulse and swell.

But even that wasn’t enough to bring her over. She felt as though she were edging, but whatever she did it wasn’t enough. Her pussy was pulsing like mad, her fingers dripping wet, and yet it wasn’t enough. Sasha picked up Mr. Dick Potato and evened out the lube one more time before lining it up with her entrance and pushing it inside slowly.

The whole thing was cooler than Prince Charming, but the uneven lumps and bumps all over its surface seemed to massage her better than anything she’d ever had before. Sasha groaned, pulling Mr. Dick Potato out about an inch before slamming it hard into her walls. She groaned and angled it hard inside herself, the length of potato pressing up against her pubic bone and scraping the already swollen and pulsing spot inside herself.

She repeated the shallow thrusts a few times, each time her thighs shaking and her breath hitching as she shoved this weird potato into her vagina. Her free hand couldn’t decide between stroking her clit or helping the other hand shove Mr. Dick Potato hard and deep inside herself, but in the end she licked her fingers and began to pump at her clit twice as quick as she was pumping Mr. Potato Dick, and felt her pussy pump slightly against the now warm potato inside of her. She carried that on until she felt she was close, her knees trembling against the bed and her breath getting a lot louder, and only then did she move her other hand to help pump Mr. Dick Potato hard and fast, each time hitting her g-spot and forcing a loud cry from herself.

She was going to come, the rough way Mr. Dick Potato was treating her pussy more than too much to bear. Her stomach was tightening, her legs and arms trembling as she felt herself clench up hard around the warm vegetable, the sounds it making as it gets slammed into her vagina getting wetter and wetter.

With one rough push, Sasha begins to squirt hard. Her pussy clenches and unclenches ferociously around the potato, her warm come spraying onto her hands and the bed below. She groans loudly, still pumping Mr. Dick Potato into her pussy as she feels the tremors of her orgasm slow down and her whole body slump forward onto the bed. Not even Prince Charming made her feel this sated, and it takes her a while to open her eyes and pull the warm vegetable from herself. She wiped her right hand against the bedsheets (knowing that she’ll have to wash them all later) and reaches out for her phone.

**_From: conbon_ **

_Pls don’t fuck urself with a potato_

_Not Mr. Dick Potato_

_He doesn’t deserve that_

_Ur taking a long time pls don’t tell me ur doing it_

_U are rnt u_

_Omg sasha_

_…_

_Send pics_

 

**Author's Note:**

> [ _shout @ me on tumblr_ ](http://pressatosnart.tumblr.com/)


End file.
